Reproduction
by Young poet15
Summary: Hogwarts has a sexaul education class...Yeah well I've been wanting to do this for a while...I tried as best as I could to make it different...I think I did an okay job...COMPLETED


Author's Notes: Guys I'm going for Humor! Haha I hope my standard as a writer doesn't decrease because of this silly fic I'm writing haha! I want you guys to know I actually put all the professor's names in a hat, well a box really, and pulled out the name I am using...craziness. Enjoy...

**Reproduction**

We come upon a circular room. There are many trinkets in this room, mostly star gazing objects and another assortment of things. Seated at a desk was an old man with the clearest blue eyes imaginable. Around the desk where many other men and women varying in ages from early 20s to late 60s or 70s.

"Now it is their sixth year and a large part of this class is somewhat...experienced." The old blue eyed man began.

Dumbledore was having this yearly talk once again with his staff. The entire staff hated this time of the year. It was after all sexual education and this year in particular would not be fun to teach at all. Dumbledore proceeded to remind the staff of the importance of the class and why someone 'had' to teach it.

"Albus...I think we get the jest of it...someone has to teach the class and no one here wants to do it...lets just draw wands already!" Severus Snape drawled to the headmaster.

"Alright then...everyone put their wands into the sorting hat and I shall pull one out and whomever it belongs shall teach our sixth years the 'class'."

Everyone reluctantly placed their wands into the sorting hat and passed it to the headmaster. Dumbledore placed his hand into the hat and after a few moments pulled out a wand. Eyes glistening Dumbledore spoke.

"To whom does this wand belong?"

After a few sighs of relief there was a grumble from the back of the room and Professor Binns floated to the front of the room.

"Why me? I'm not even alive!"

"Well Binns, it seems that you have a job ahead of you..." Snape stated quite curtly.

"It seems so Severus...Good day to you, you lucky dog."

Binns grabbed his wand and exited the Headmaster's office. He had some planning to do.

Later that month

The sixth year Gryffiondors and Slytherins made their way into Professor Binn's classroom. No one liked this class everyone pretty much slept through it, but today would definitely be a different experience. Everyone had settled themselves, most of which did not bother to take out their books or anything else. Binns cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Everyone may put away their books...Today we will be discussing a different topic..."

Binns mumbled something under his breath and books began to appear onto everyone desks. Looking at the title many giggles escaped around the classroom. Malfoy had a satisfied smirk upon his face and turned around to give our Miss Granger and wink. Needless to say she was blushing quite deeply.

"Today, as you can see, we will be discussing Reproduction..."

Binns waved his wand and music could be heard in the background, which pretty much interested the students quite a bit.

"The parts of a flower are so constructed that very, very often the wind will cause pollination..." Binns began singing in tone with the music.

Half the class rolled their eyes...only Binns could make Sex Ed boring and scientific.

"If not, then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation. " Binns continued singing.

Hermione raised her hand, only she would take notes in 'this' class.

"Sir, should I write this down?" she asked not singing.

"Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write it on the list.  
I'll try to make it crystal-clear...The flower's insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery!" Binns answered still singing.

Half the class went back to the normal mode of trying to not fall asleep.

"Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma.  
And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma!" Binns kept drawling on.

"We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?" Binns asked curious to know if anyone was actually listening.

"A photo-periodic reaction!" Stated Hermione who was actually going along with this crazy class.

Hermione sat back down feeling quite embarrassed about trying to help out the teacher.

"Oh, that's good, that's very good." Binns said praising Hermione for once again knowing the answer.

Ron, deciding he should pay attention because Lavender wasn't giving any up asked.

"Hey, I'm lost where are we?"

Pansy turned around in her seat and gave Ron a despising glare.

"Chapter 2,"

"Page 5..." continued Harry.

"Reproduction," The boys began singing.

"Reproduction!" The girls continued.

Lavender stood up, walked over to Ron and sat on his lap.

"Put your pollen tube to work..."

Ron had a wicked wide grin on his face. 

"Reproduction," The boys sang again

"Reproduction!" The girls sang back.

The whole class seemed to really be getting into the lesson...especially Ron and Lavender who had disappeared behind Ron's desk.

Millicent Bolstrode walked over to where all the boys where seated and sat in front of Goyle.

"Make my stamen go berserk."

Goyle was slightly scared and passed out. Millicent then returned to her side of the classroom with a crest-fallen look upon her face. The boys half laughing at Goyle's reaction went along singing.

"Reproduction!"

Parvati stood up on her side of the classroom and stated quite humorously. "I don't think they even know what a pistil is!" 

Seamus stood up and looked her up and down.

"I got your pistil right here..."

Scared Parvati ran away from Seamus who was chasing her around the classroom. Neville not able to understand what the hell is going on with his classmates questions Professor Binns.

"Where does the pollen go?"

Professor Binns completely ignoring Neville continues his lesson without phase.

"Next chapter, In an abstract way, the same thing applies to the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms. But now we are dealing with sexual response. Are there any questions before we begin reading?"

Dean walking over to the girl's side of the room lies on his side in front of some of the Slytherin females asking.

"Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?"

Disgusted the Slytherin girls push Dean off of the desk. Pride hurt Dean walks back to his desk rubbing his neck all the while. Deciding to give Granger a hard time about their interlude early that week, Malfoy walks over to Hermione placing his hands on her shoulders.

"When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?"

Hermione turned beet red but allowed Draco to lead her away from her desk. Harry and the rest of the class watched in awe as Hermione willingly walked into the classroom closet.

"Can't prove it by me, cause they change their tune when you got 'em in the astronomy tower."

Blaise began drawing the attention away from Hermione and Draco. Thinking back on other encounters and let downs Blaise quieted himself and Crabbe continued for him.

"With his heart beatin' fast!"

"They make it sound like a track meet, gross!"

Some of the other girls less experienced sang. The boys then retorted with.

"Yeah, then all they can do is say 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!' "

The girls then sang back with deep voices.

"Reproduction,"

The Guys in high voices trying to strike a nerve.

"Reproduction!"

The girls unfazed continue in their deep voices mimicking the guys.

"Baby, give it to me now!"

Tired of singing so high the guys begin to sing in normal voices.

"Reproduction,"

The girls calming victory over the little battle sing in normal voices.

"Reproduction!"

We all know that wasn't the end so the guys strike back in high voices.

"Is that all you think about?"

Laughing at the silliness of it all the whole class sings out again.

"Reproduction!"

The girls stand and begin to plead with the boys.

"Come on baby show me that you really love me so!"

Neville is thoroughly confused but is catching on somewhat.

"Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw up! Where does the pollen go?"  
  
Ron and Lavender return from behind the desk. Ron's red locks are in disarray and he has a stupid grin upon his face. Lavender walks back to her desk and sits down. Harry and his fellow male classmates are incredulously staring at Ron like he is some kind of lucky. Scoring in the classroom!

Binns, being as clueless as ever, continues with his lesson still singing.

"The human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring. Any comments on this?"

Hermione walks out of the closet with a very pleased looking Malfoy behind her, smirk and all. Hermione walks casually back to her desk and sits on the table top with her hand raised.

"Professor Binns, is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all,  
Carry some protection with them for sexual occasions?"

The whole class starts laugh at Hermione's forwardness. Professor Binns looks around for a minute then goes back to his desk. Ignoring the whole thing Blaise asks the girls.

"What's the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?"

Pansy bursts out laughing and holding onto her side from the pain of laughing so hard. Gaining some breath back she tells Blaise.

"Oh, that's really neat!"

Millicent then turns to Blaise and asks him.

"Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh?"

The rest of the girls stand up and shout.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

The guys not listening continue.

"Reproduction,"

The girls let it go and sing back.

"Reproduction!"

Parvati walks back into the room flustered singing back at Seamus.

"Hope he's proud of what he's done."

The guys sing again.

"Reproduction,"

The girls sing back.

"Reproduction!"

Dean defending Seamus tells Parvati. 

"He was only pokin' fun!"

The Class sings together in knowledge of what has happened with Parvati and Seamus.

"Reproduction!"

Harry stands up and points to Seamus and Parvati, particularly her stomach.

"See what happens when a boy and girl don't know how to play it safe?"

The class then begins singing in chorus. 

"Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction! "

Neville finally catching on elbows Goyle in the side and says sarcastically.

"Where does the pollen go?"

**The End**

Author's Notes: haha sorry but I don't have time to check it over and I wanted to get this story up for tomorrow! Haha I hope it was good make sure to review guys otherwise I might just not put up my other fics that I've been working on!


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